


Unsteady

by NormieScum



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Chapter 82 spoilers, Feels, Implied Erejean, It's Jean comforting the poor baby after chapter 82, It's not really a shippy thing, M/M, RIP, Spoiler Alert - Freeform, Spoilers, but - Freeform, it's implied because I love me some Erejean, mMMMM fuck me up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-04
Updated: 2016-07-04
Packaged: 2018-07-20 00:32:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7383748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NormieScum/pseuds/NormieScum
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jean and Eren remember their fallen best friends and find comfort in each other's company. Post Chapter 82.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Unsteady

**Author's Note:**

> Just a quick one shot I wanted to write up after reading chapter 82 last month. I'm not 100% about what's going to happen with Armin so this is just based on what we currently know. :^) Thanks for reading!

Days seem to drag on for Eren anymore, after losing Armin everything seems so pointless. He’d been fighting for them- Mikasa and Armin. As well as himself but so much of his effort had gone into keeping his friends, no, /family/ safe.

He couldn’t protect Armin when it came down to it. Was he worthless? Because he sure felt it at this point. There was no way in hell he’d be able to protect Mikasa in his current state. But he kept it together in front of his comrades, he was their hope.

The one chance humanity had at beating this. So that Armin’s death wouldn’t have been in vain. It all gets hard really, to be put on the spot like this. People don’t treat Eren like a human anymore. To some, he’s a monster. To some, a tool.

All he ever wanted was to be free and right now, he’s the farthest from it. Of course getting there would take sacrifice, he knows that but how much is too much?

And when will it all be over?

 

Every night once the others are asleep, Eren sneaks to the bathroom to cry. He’s broken down every night this week. Sometimes, physically. He makes himself sick and empties the contents of his stomach into the toilet.

Panting heavily, he feels as if the worst is over but then the crying begins. He struggles, arbitrary jumbled words falling from his lips as he tries to collect himself.

 

“I can’t even say your name!” Wiping at his eyes, he thinks about Armin and tries to memorize every feature of his friend’s face based upon memories. He desperately wants to remember what he looks like.

It’s not that he’s already forgotten but he’s afraid that someday he will. A gentle knock on the door distracts him from his thoughts and Eren begins to panic, choking on air as he pulls himself off the ground and prepares to make up an excuse about being ill. Until he hears a familiar voice.

 

“Hey, it’s just me.” Jean calls out.

 

“What do you want?” Eren spits out coldly, wanting nothing to do with him. He imagines that Jean has come to ridicule him or yell at him for being too loud. 

Opening the door finally, the brunet’s tear stained cheeks are obvious in the moonlit hallway.  

 

“Here.” Jean holds a canteen of water to him and Eren rolls his eyes, shoving it away with an open palm.

“Drink after you? No thanks.”

“You’re the one that just threw up and I’m offering you my water, you dumb bastard.” Eren hesitates at first but then indulges.

Choking down the water which soothes his aching throat that’s raw from how sick he’s been lately.

“So what do you want anyway?” Grateful that Jean was actually there for him, Eren is much calmer this time.  

“I thought we could go for a walk? It’s pretty warm tonight and…you look like you could use some fresh air.” Instead of answering, the smaller male rises to his feet and presses the canteen back against Jean’s chest.

The blond smiles, patting Eren’s shoulder hard enough to make him cough. “Wish I had something stronger than water for you, bud.”

Jean knows Eren doesn’t like alcohol, the 104th had stolen a bottle from Pixis’s office once and the brunet took one sip and ended up with a stomach ache that lasted hours.

But he makes the comment anyway.

 

“Me too.” Eren’s voice flat lines at the thought.

He doesn’t drink but he can see where Jean is going with the comment. For some reason, Jean is disappointed by how distant Eren is. The blond usually thrives off of his attention, whether it be negative or positive but right now there’s practically nothing. Eren starts to lead them towards the backdoor before Jean pats his arm.

 

“Hold on, I’m gonna take this back. Besides, I forgot something.” Eren watches the taller male dart off in the direction of their quarters.

He leans against the cold hallway wall to wait. It isn’t unusual for he and Jean to talk like this. They’ve done it many times in the past but it’s been so long since the last time and this seems different. Oddly enough.

Jean returns with his sketchbook in friend, Eren has seen him working in it before but he’s never really shown particular interest as to what was in it.

 “Back.” The blond informs him.

“As if I couldn’t already tell, you stomp like the horses when you run.”

 “Oh fuck you.” Eren scoffs, finding solace in the interactions. Their bickering being the one consistent thing he’s had ever since his first day in training.

He’s thought a lot about Jean as a person really. He thought of Jean as a coward, but in a way he was far from it.

Of course he was afraid but he still woke up and carried on as everyone else did despite it, Eren looked up to him. Not that he would ever admit it.

 

Once outside, Jean plopped down into the grass and stared up at the sky and Eren followed shortly after. Neither knowing what to say right away but Jean broke the silence.

 

“In a way,” Stopping, he thinks before attempting to speak again.Eren could only assume that he was afraid of offending him in some way.

It shouldn’t have annoyed him, but it did.

 

“Just spit it out, Kirschtein.”

 

“I feel that I should be the one to comfort you.” Eren laughs, propping his elbow to the top of his knee so that he could hold the palm of his hand against his forehead. He glances sideways at Jean and he can’t help but ridicule him.

 

“You?! The coward? /Selfish/ coward. Why would you want to be there for me, now?” Jean doesn’t react well to this. Eren can see him clenching his fists and he hears the gritting of his teeth but unexpectedly, he holds back his anger.

“Marco.” Is always Jean can really say to explain himself and Eren instantly feels guilty.

How could he forget that he wasn’t the only person who’d lost someone? It’s hard to see other’s pain when faced with so much of it and he remains silent for a few seconds before realizing, this could work.

 

“You know he was my first kiss?” Eren starts, laughing and wiping at a tear that had collected in the corner of his eye.

Jean looks shocked, to say the least.

 

“You’re…?” Jean doesn’t finish the sentence and the brunet shakes his head instantly to deny what he knows his comrade is about to ask.  

“No…well…no. Not in that instance. It was my birthday, and I was ten…” He tells Jean, stopping to recall the memory.

He realizes how huge it seems now when it was just a little thing before his friend’s death.

Shaking his head and returning to reality, Eren smiles. “It probably sounds ridiculous but he tripped and fell because he was running and his shoe caught on the doorway. But I caught him in my arms so he didn’t fall to the ground and his lips were on mine and I was so mad! My parents teased me for it and his grandpa teased me for it.” Eren cradles his head in both hands, bowing under them in embarrassment but Jean doesn’t laugh even though Eren is. He smiles at his memory.Although he doesn’t really know what to say, he ruffles the brunet’s hair.

 

“Can I ask you something?” Eren asks, his green hues meeting with Jean’s hazels.

 

“Hm?”

“You and Marco, were you-?”

 

“Were we what?” He’s confused, something Eren didn’t expect.

 

“Like…a couple.”

 

“What?! No!” Jean is defensive, something Eren did expect but when the blond smiles he finds himself relieved. “Just friends. I had thought about it but Marco and I didn’t click like that.”

 

“So you’re gay.”

 

“What? No. Can we just focus on the whole grieving thing? What the fuck are you even doing?” Eren sighs, finding a distraction didn’t work so he returns to the topic beforehand.

 

“Jean…does it get easier? With mom…it’s like an itch. If I don’t think about her, it’s not so bad. But if I do, I can’t stop crying and beating myself up. I mean…it was horrible at first but now I can control how I feel.” Eren’s throat swells and he can feel his jaw quiver.

 

Without realizing it, he’s rested his head on Jean’s shoulder.

“It never goes away but…it does get easier. Try and focus on the future now. Armin would want that for you.” Jean looks down at Eren, he can’t even be mad at him for invading his personal space.

“Easier said than done, asshole.”

 

“I know.” Jean moves away a bit, to flip through his sketchbook and Eren looks over his shoulder curiously.

“What are you doin’?”

“Looking for something.” When he finds what he’s looking for, he rips a page out gently and hands it to Eren.

 

“Here…I drew this a few months ago.” Jean acts nervous and Eren can see why.

When he looks at the piece of paper it’s a drawing of he and Armin and it’s really good.

He doesn’t want to admit it but he’s impressed. It seems as if the taller male had been just drawing them in a natural way and his attention to detail is flawless.

It takes careful hands and eyes to notice the shimmer Eren’s key makes in the sun or the way strands of Armin’s bangs stick to his face. It’s hard for him to believe this came from the one person he’d loathed from the start.

Eren treats this fragile drawing as if it’s the last pure thing on earth and his hand twitches from the emotions he’s feeling right now.

 

“Is this mine?” He questions, his teary eyes glistening when he jerks his head upwards to look at the blond.

 

“Of course.” It’s a faint whisper and Eren doesn’t stop himself from throwing his arms around the man’s neck and hugging him close so that he can sob onto his shoulder.

“It’s so beautiful, Jean!” He shouts frantically, struggling to catch his breath. Adding it to the short list of things Eren has ever called beautiful and Jean doesn’t know how to respond; he’s holding his arms out at his sides awkwardly for a few seconds before they wrap around Eren to hold him close. They stay this way for minutes as Jean rubs at the other’s back to try and sooth him. Neither of them want to admit how comforting this is.

 

After a while, Eren works up the courage to speak and his voice is a lot rougher than usual from the crying.

 

“Thank you…really. I never expected this from you.” He’s staring at the drawing again and Jean’s lips curve into a satisfied grin. He doesn’t want to admit how much he really tries to get Eren’s attention.

 

“I’m uh…always here for you, Jaeger.” He means it.

Jean listens to Eren talk about whatever pops into his head- mostly it’s Armin. Sometimes he talks about his mom or Jean throws in a couple words. Neither of them realize how long they’ve been at it until the sun starts to rise in the horizon and they know that they might be a little tired when they’re awoken in an hour for training but neither will regret it. A questions burns at Jean for some unfamiliar reason though and he has to ask.

 

“You and Armin…were you a thing?” Jean questions, holding his sketchbook to his chest as he stands up and holds his hand out to help Eren up.

As if it’s too soon, Jean recoils from his own question.

But shockingly, Eren laughs before sniffling and taking the blond’s hand.

 

“Nah. ‘It’s not like I didn’t think about it. But we didn’t click like that.’” Eren mocks, winking at Jean.

They start to walk back to the dorm and for the first time, they see each other in a new light. There arms brush together occasionally because of how close they’re walking to each other. Eren notices but plays it off by staring at the drawing as he walks.

Clumsily bumping into Jean every chance he gets and he can’t even deny it to himself that he’s doing it on purpose. The taller male can’t take his eyes off his /friend/, stealing glances every chance he gets.

 

“Hey…do you think we “click like that”?” Jean asks casually, Eren giggles.

 “Are you fucking dumb?” He questions, shoving the blond hard enough that he stumbles.

He wants to say no but he means yes so he just doesn’t answer the question at all.

 

“But Jean..? I’d love to see more of your drawings.”

And it’s this very moment Jean realizes how much he draws Eren; he can’t help but be embarrassed by himself for it.


End file.
